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Barbusse, Henri, 1873-1935

"Under Fire: the story of a squad"


"She knew he'd been killed because she was in mourning. And she, she
was having good fun, and laughing outright, I tell you--and she
looked at one and the other as much as to say, 'I'm all right here!'
"Ah, my boy, I cleared out of that, and butted into the Kamarads
that were waiting to take me back. How I got back I couldn't tell
you. I was knocked out. I went stumbling like a man under a curse,
and if any-body had said a wrong word to me just then--! I should
have shouted out loud; I should have made a row, so as to get killed
and be done with this filthy life!
"Do you catch on? She was smiling, my wife, my Clotilde, at this
time in the war! And why? Have we only got to be away for a time for
us not to count any more? You take your damned hook from home to go
to the war, and everything seems finished with; and they worry for a
while that you're gone, but bit by bit you become as if you didn't
exist, they can do without you to be as happy as they were before,
and to smile. Ah, Christ! I'm not talking of the other woman that
was laughing, but my Clotilde, mine, who at that chance moment when
I saw her, whatever you may say, was getting on damned well without
me!
"And then, if she'd been with friends or relations; but no, actually
with Boche officers! Tell me, shouldn't I have had good reason to
jump into the room, fetch her a couple of swipes, and wring the neck
of the other old hen in mourning?
"Yes, yes; I thought of doing it.


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