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Leacock, Stephen, 1869-1944

"Moonbeams from the Larger Lunacy"

Before this every
customer who came in wasted time trying to find the
counters. Now we install a patent springboard, with a
mechanism like a catapault. As soon as a customer comes
in an attendant puts him on the board, blindfolds him,
and says, 'Where do you want to go?' 'Glove counter.'
'Oh, all right.' He's fired at it through the air. No
time lost. Same with the railways. They're installing
the Method, too. Every engineer who breaks the record
from New York to Buffalo gets a glass of milk. When he
gets a hundred glasses he can exchange them for a glass
of beer. So with the doctors. On the new method, instead
of giving a patient one pill a day for fourteen days they
give him fourteen pills in one day. Doctors, lawyers,
everybody,--in time, sir," said the Stranger, in tones
of rising excitement, "you'll see even the plumbers--"
But just at this moment the door opened. A sturdy-looking
man in blue entered. The Stranger's voice was hushed at
once. The excitement died out of his face. His manner
all of a sudden was meekness itself.


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