But I suspected another motive.
I knew that Atmananda had often used me as a sounding board for new
ideas and, later, for LSD. He may have wanted to observe my reaction
to the Stelazine before using it on others--or on himself.
As I meditated on Atmananda's possible motives, I swatted mosquitos
and picked at scabs of aging stings. I did not yet know that he
had given Stelazine to at least one other inner circle follower.
I tried to remember how I had felt during the Stelazine experiment.
I recalled feeling dizzy. I also recalled feeling at peace with myself.
The conflict between my rational and mystical natures did not seem
to matter. Nothing seemed to matter.
"You're doing fine, kid," Atmananda had told me each day.
"Just go with the flow and enjoy the process."
Stunned by the memory, I held the husky in my arms.
Nunatak was a wonderful traveling companion. Each day she tugged
and leaped alongside the rig as if she were a full-grown sled dog.
She licked the drying sweat and tears on my face.
I tried to understand why I had followed Atmananda-Dr. Lenz's
drug prescription. Perhaps the most compelling reason was because I
was afraid not to. Since the coup, Atmananda had stepped up his
effort to instill fear in his followers.
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