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Laxer, Mark Eliot

"Take Me for a Ride: coming of age in a destructive cult"


I walked to Third College. To Third College Lecture Hall.
To TLH 104. I saw Atmananda's face on either side of the front wall.
I had placed the two posters. Atmananda often claimed that his
photograph was a doorway to his "awareness field," and now I
wondered if he was watching me through the posters on the wall.
I felt uneasy and left.
I walked to a nearby computer terminal room. I logged on and played
Star Trek. The E on the screen was the Enterprise. R's were Romulans.
K's were Klingons. Klingons had stealth devices. I was E. R's and K's
surrounded E. E got destroyed. Each time I played, E got destroyed.
I logged off and walked away.
I plodded over soft, squishy lawns. The sprinklers were on.
I got wet. I felt like a zombie. I felt small.
I crisscrossed campus several times more. I was tired. I thought about
sleeping in the computer room. I was afraid to return to the Centre.
I was afraid of facing Atmananda. I did not examine the fear.
I walked home.
I opened the door. It was late. Atmananda stood in the living room.
I sensed that he had been waiting for me.
"You may not realize it," he said right away, "but you are very sick.
You are mentally ill. I am a professional and you are going to have
to trust me.


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