It was then that my mind drew
a blank.
One evening, in a movie theatre with Atmananda and the inner circle,
the conflict had already run its course. I felt detached, numb, dumb.
I gazed listlessly at the screen. Atmananda said something.
Sal, Anne, Rachel, and Dana laughed. I looked straight ahead.
I did not smile.
They kept giving me popcorn and candy, but I had deeply withdrawn.
I did not eat. I passed the items along. I wished that it
would stop.
What happened next seemed to occur in slow motion. Sal held
out a bucket of popcorn. Halfheartedly, I reached for it.
I wanted to be left alone. I held the bucket loosely.
It slipped from my hand. Popcorn covered the floor. I stood up.
Popcorn fell from my lap. I sensed that my friends had been having fun,
and that I was ruining it for them. I would not meet their gazes.
I stood there, bathed by the flickering lights of the film,
frightened by the resurfacing conflict.
"Maybe it's been me all along," I thought.
"That's nonsense," I countered. "It's Atmananda who is..."
"NO!!"
I grimaced. I walked up the incline toward the exit.
I left the theatre in a stupor. I felt dizzy and disoriented.
My mind again drew a blank.
I crossed the street to UCSD.
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