..
"I..."
I could not admit that I had trod what had in part become a bogus path.
I wanted so much for there to be a simple solution.
"I...I see sparks flying from your hand, Atmananda," I said,
allowing myself to imagine--and therefore to see--the sparks.
Atmananda left the room. I lay in bed, listening to the macaws.
"I won't let the Negative Forces take me over," I determined. "I am
going to be a true spiritual warrior." When thoughts about Atmananda's
other side resurfaced, I refused to confront them. Instead, I silently
repeated Atmananda's recommended doubt-combating mantra: "NO!"
"NO!" I thought, after reading in a Castaneda book Don Juan's
assertion that under no circumstance should you stay on a given
path if your feelings tell you to leave.
"NO!" I thought, whenever I found myself questioning the process
by which I censored my own thoughts.
I was still thinking, "NO," on the day Atmananda noticed the hole
in the roof.
"GRAAAAAUUUUHHHHG!" squawked one of the colorful, captive birds.
"BAM! BAM! BAM!" echoed Atmananda's hammer as he blocked off
the escape route with some two-by-fours.
13. Breakdown
In the months after I tried to run away, Atmananda kept me busy expanding
his postering routes north to Los Angeles and to the Bay area.
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