"What if Guru has not fallen?" I wondered, not wanting to be left
bobbing in the stormy sea of ignorance.
"But then again," I thought, reminded of Atmananda's uncanny ability
to see, "what if he has?" I felt overwhelmed. I realized I needed
time to think. I realized I needed guidance.
I wanted to ask former Chinmoy disciples for advice, but did not
want to subject them to spiritual doubts about Guru or Atmananda.
I wanted to ask friends and teachers outside the group, but did
not want to rely on people whom I supposed could not see.
I even thought of asking my parents, but did not want to rely on two
lobsters sporting bow ties. So I tried to assess the situation on
my own.
I recalled some of the good times I had had with Atmananda.
I also recalled Atmananda admitting to me, months before, that he
wanted some day to be a guru.
I saw him as a genuine seeker on the path to Truth. I also saw
him as a man whose ambitions I could not fathom.
"I need to get away," I told myself. "I need to get a perspective.
It's not that I don't trust Atmananda. It's just that..."
KNOCK!!KNOCK!!
I jumped up.
Atmananda smiled as he opened my door. "Hi, kid. The meeting
will start in a few minutes. Do you want to greet people--
or should I find someone else?"
Simultaneously soothed and disoriented by his voice and face, I felt
reluctant to give up a position of authority.
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