But I now believed that the Light would reach me in whichever state
I inhabited. Besides, I sensed that without Atmananda as a buffer,
Chinmoy's highly regimented brand of spirituality would be difficult,
if not impossible, for me to conform to.
And what a buffer Atmananda was! I pictured him striding about
with his chin jutting forward, exuding that aura of confidence;
joking and singing, inspiring and enlivening us; challenging our
intellects with the known and unknowable; framing and reframing the way
in which we viewed the world; and generating mystical experiences--
not on his own, of course, but with the Guru's Spiritual Light.
"Yes!" I replied, without considering the feelings of my brother,
who continued to support me in my quest with a faraway smile.
I was proud that Atmananda had chosen me to be part of his team.
I did not know, however, that he had embellished stories in his
book Lifetimes. Nor did I know that he had told the San Francisco
Examiner that he never experienced a past life remembrance.
Nor did I know that he had once asked a girlfriend to slip
out the window when another appeared at the door.
Nor that he had recently been in deep trouble with Chinmoy.
Nor that during the height of the controversy, he had admitted
to Tom that he might leave the Centre before Chinmoy kicked
him out.
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